Sisters in Solidarity: A Chance to Be Heard

I try to bring a little humor to these posts, but today, I want to explore an idea that I have still yet to reconcile for myself despite years of research and self-reflection.

I want to begin by expressing my deep sadness for the women of the LDS church who feel the need to verbally and emotionally attack the women participating in the "Ordain Women" movement.

Yes, I did say that I was sad for the aggressors. While I do feel for the women promoting the movement and the negativity they experience in expressing and pursuing their beliefs, I experience even greater sadness for the attackers of the women in this movement. That's right, sadness FOR them, not toward them, or for the situation. I feel sad FOR all those who feel they need to expend great amounts of energy not only to oppose the movement, but to also personally critique and demean the women involved.

This sadness had led me, once again, to the conclusion that women are their own greatest adversaries and opponents.

Kelly Valen, author of The Twisted Sisterhood, writes in a New York Times article, "We women swim in shark-infested waters of our own design. Often we don't have a clue where we stand with one another  -- socially, as mothers, as colleagues -- because we're at once allies and foes." 

I want to explore the power behind both of these relationships starting with women as allies:

For centuries, all around the world, women have had to fight to be heard in patriarchal society placing them as property in the hands of men. One of the the few strengths women have found during these trying times have been, in fact, other women; women standing next to women in solidarity of belief, womanhood, love, motherhood, and most importantly strength. 

During the Salem Witch Trials, when women were being wrongfully accused of witchcraft, women stood by women in reaffirming their innocence though they knew they would be killed by the en of their village. When Alice Paul fought President Woodrow Wilson and members of congress for the right to vote, she had hundreds of sisters, daughters, and mothers marching behind her. When Margaret Sanger sought to develop the science behind the hormonal methods of birth control, another woman, Katharine Dexter McCormick, threw her financial support behind the research research in order to make it possible. Women have a history of supporting other women.

With specific regard to the Ordain Women movement, in a Deseret News article, Joseph Walker quotes movement participant April Young Bennett: "After spending most of my life following social stigmas that silence Mormon women and compel us to feign that we love our exclusion, it was like a miracle to see so many women willing to openly express their righteous desires to fully participate in the church."

Here, again, women finding strength in other women.

It seems odd, then, to see women as each other's foes, even though in the development of feminism, traditionally, women have represented the majority in opposers of the movement.

Authors David Campbell and Robert Putnam, in their book American Grace: How Religion Divides and Unites Us, found that "an overwhelming majority of LDS women -- 90 percent -- are opposed to priesthood ordination for women. By comparison, 52 percent of LDS men oppose priesthood ordination for women."

How is it that those in the church who make executive decisions such as ordination are statistically less opposed to said ordination of women to the priesthood than the Sisters of the LDS Church?

Valen further writes in her article of her experiences with other women, "I had bought into the talk of sisterly solidarity... and they not only failed to support me in crisis, they collectively kicked me as I lay in the gutter, judged me from under a veil of hypocrisy, then cast me out, leper style."

These instances, and thousands of other personal experiences, tell stories of women exiling women in their quest for identity.

---

Let's face it, we ALL disagree on things. Man, woman; senior, young adult; brother, sister -- it doesn't matter. We as humans are bound to have differing opinions on things. We teach children from a young age that being different is okay, that we should embrace each others differences and love each other anyway. Why don't we take our own advice when it comes to the women in our own lives?

We are all women and daughters. Some of us sisters, mothers, and partners. We have felt the pain of oppression, and the triumph of strength and empowerment. We have felt pain, loss, and humiliation, as well as joy, companionship and humility. We have loved, been loved, and had our hearts broken.

We are human.

So instead of gossiping about the girl who stood up to her priesthood leader or chastising the choice for a mother to stay at home, let us stand in solidarity against all those -- men and women -- who tell us that what we feel isn't valid and what we believe isn't correct, even if we personally agree or disagree.

Because we all want -- and deserve -- a chance to be respectfully heard.

Spinning Hell

Lately, I've been trying to be more active. I'm getting up earlier now that I consistently work early in the morning, and I have been attempting to utilize that time to do something other than marathon watch One Tree Hill until 1:00 in the afternoon. 

So, I tried a spin class yesterday. 

For those of you who have never been to one of those before, let me paint you a picture of this hell:

You sit, ass on seat for 60 minutes while pedaling,  altering your speed and resistance to mock climbing and sprinting. Why anyone would WANT to recreate sprinting up a hill, I'm not sure.

The contraption that you are actually sitting on resembles a torture device with one metal wheel that looks more like the blade on an electric saw, than the wheel of a bicycle. There is a metal bar across the back of the machine helping to stabilize the contraption, keeping it motionless. Again, not only is it recreating sprinting up a hill, but it is doing so without even actually going anywhere.

Next, the instructor comes over to adjust the machine to "fit your body". By this she means wrench the handlebars to far forward to comfortable reach, and so far down that your back is hunched over like a ninety year old woman. 

And there you are, all set to pedal your ass off for the next hour.

Oh wait, I forgot to tell you about the oddly shaped seat you you rest your rump on. It has no cushion, instead resembling the general shape of a penis with testicles (I won't even go into the feminist implications this has for female cycling). It also isn't shaped to match the anatomy of your ass, like a negative image or a yin yang: black to white, white to black. It isn't even flat.

It is perfectly designed with bumps lined up to your bumps, curves to your curves, like a jigsaw puzzle with pieces that just don't fit. As each leg lifts, the bulges grinding into your bones.

Lets just say, my crotch was on fire--

and NOT in the good way.

On top of all of this, you are expected to sit, moving leg over leg for 60 grueling minutes, while a peppy blonde up front, with her make up beautifully drawn, and her hair perfectly straightened, cheerily chatters at you to "keep those legs movin'!" without even breaking a sweat every time you slow and take a moment to let the fire on your ass calm down.

I'll just go running next time.

The Plight of a Single Lady With Morals and No Religion

Hi, my name is Erika. I like dogs and reading. I am a genuinely good person who believes in the golden rule and treating people with respect. I don't do drugs, I drink sometimes, and I don't believe in Jesus. What's your name?

I had an interesting discussion with my father and grandfather today: three generations attempting to define morality.

This should be interesting, I thought.

The conversation was started with my complaint that I would once again go home and sit, by myself, reading a book until it was time to go to sleep at 9:30 PM, only to wake up and do the same the next day.

I mean, in a community where 90% of the single men are conservative Christians, and out of the 10% that aren't, 90% of those men don't want to commit to anything serious (and tend to womanize), how is an educated, liberal, slightly anti-social girl to find anyone in that 1%?

My dad suggested I go to church.

...

I kindly explained to him, that that was exactly my point--I didn't want a God-fearin' man. I want an intellectual, who is kind and curious, funny with a little bit of bitter mixed in. I want someone who is jaded because of all the times he has struggle to make an identity in a world that doesn't accept non-religious people with morals, but uses sarcasm to deal with it instead of anger.

That is when my Grandpa stepped into the conversation.

He explained to me that the people who have the morals are the people who go to church.

Again--

...

This is when I started to get a little testy. Was he insinuating that I didn't have morals? That I wasn't a good person? That I deserved to go to Hell?

Of course not.

But he was implying that most good people go to church, so naturally, if I want to find good person, I should find the nearest altar and say a prayer, so my "holier-than-thou" man can descend from a fluffy white cloud robed in white silk with gold stitching.

I politely told my Grandpa that we must have a different idea of what "morality" meant. To which he scoffed saying "morals are morals." My morals dictate that I am honest and try to be kind (sometimes, if you catch me in the morning, this isn't always the case). I am considerate, and believe in being a generally good person, making some kind of contribution to the world. Apparently, this isn't moral enough for the 90% Jesus lovers, but it is too moral for the 9% of womanizers, so where is that 1%?

Are they, too, holed up at home reading A Game of Thrones while spooning their 75 pound Pitt Bull on a Sunday night? Is it just that we of the Non-Christian Moral kind tend to stay indoors avoiding the horrors of the outside world? Or is it the fear of impending loneliness due to a lack of God or a lack of insensitivity?

Either way, we aren't meeting each other.

So if you are out there, oh 1%, please put down your book, drive to the nearest bookstore, coffee shop, or poetry reading long enough to ask my name and shake my hand. Then, we can take up reading again, but this time next to another fellow good-person, non-christian with whom we might have something to actually talk about.

Until this happens, goodnight world. I'll be curled up under my comforter cuddling a snoring pup and reading until my eyelids sink closed.

Sometimes

Sometimes, good things don't work out.

Sometimes, bitterness doesn't help numb anything.

Sometimes, the disappointment and frustration of an unfair situation eats me from the inside out, making it impossible to breathe.

At the end of the day, not every man who hurts a woman is a villain. Sometimes, he is merely doing what he needs to do in order to survive.

But where does that leave me?

Deep chasms cut into your rigid brow
painting streaks of worry across your soft face.
Your eyes carry with them
glassy remnants of sorrow and regret,
splashed with dashes of embarrassment.

Your words get caught in your throat
as weighted silence creeps through cracks
and seeps into long-forgotten crevices
leaving no empty airspace for
your sympathetic attempt to
appease the disappointment
choking me.

Discomfort wraps her tight arms around your throat;
I can almost feel her fingernails
scrape at your vocal chords,
ripping away your ability to speak.
Simultaneously she deposits a dense mass
in the bottom recesses of my gut,
magnetically binding me to my rigid place
at your right hand.

The urgent need to complete this complicated task
overpowers Discomforts reigning grasp.
As her lengthy fingers retreat,
your lips part to reveal a shadowed channel
destined to deliver the night’s misfortune,
despite the stillness of the dark
alluringly passing outside your window.

“I’m sorry,
I never meant to…”
Begging for forgiveness,
your words permeate the air,
slowly and softly.

Funny,

My last post on this blog was... a year ago. Exactly. Well, almost exactly. Minus a half hour or so.

You've missed a lot. Hell, I've missed a lot. But you really have. You've missed

-A relationship with the [almost] love of my life (in its entirety)

-An anti-climactic graduation from college

-Meetings with Air Force recruiters

-Various love affairs (You know me) that NEVER live up to what I think I need

-Multiple divine revelations proving that God does, indeed, have a sense of humor.

I'm really sure that You have missed far more than this, but this brings me to the point of this post. Nothing that happened in the last year is something I want to rehash for various misfits and Facebook [barely] friends to read at 3:17 A.M. when they should be asleep but are instead putting off studying for their Bio test by Facebook stalking people they swear they wished they talked to more.

I don't care that much.

So here's the update in one sentence: I am a recent-college-grad applying my baccalaureate[no I didn't have to spell check that; isn't that sad?]-acquired communication skills in the Food Service Industry while still looking for love [unfortunately] but settling, instead, for a good read by a cozy fire (currently: Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahnuik).

In summary? I'm boring.

I'm not going to pretend that I am going to use this blog to keep all of my millions [ha] of readers up-to-date on my devotion to new years resolutions.

I'm not going to use this space to shove sappy love stories down Your throats in an attempt to reassure you that I am happy.

I'm not going to share with the internet the succes of my diets, or of my spirituality, or of my love life.

What I am going to do is something that I have neglected to do for far too long: I am going to write.

I am going to write anything and everything that pops into my head. I am going to write [bad] poetry, and cynical exposés on the human condition, and one line wonders. I will write quotes from authors I aspire to [but will never] be like. I will write because it makes me happy, and it has been a lot time since I have done something just because it makes me happy to do it.

So join me for the ride.

Or don't join me.

Or only join me when it is 3:17 A.M. and you remember you haven't checked my blog in a while and probably can kill 45 minutes catching up on my posts so you have an excuse not to study for the aforementioned test.

I don't care.

Because this?

This is for me.

Everything Will Be Okay

It's about time that I posted something. The world needs an update for how Erika is doing, right?! Probably wrong, but words help me get things clear.

I have changed more in the last two weeks than I have in the last two years. I have so radically flipped my life around. Can I even be called the same person? I believe in things I've never believed in. I've felt things I've never felt. I've seen things I've never seen. I've trusted in ways I've never trusted. From here, I don't know where I'll go.

I feel like a phase of my life is over; doors have closed. I turn around and what do I see? White. Never ending white. No more doors, no windows, no color, no people. A blank slate with endless possibilities. Where do I go? What do I do? How do I know?

I feel calm. Moving away from here is where I need to go; I can't stay in a transition period for forever. I have leave this place, these people. I need to move forward and begin building my new life. I need to begin my future. It's okay that I will leave these people behind. It's okay that it didn't work out. It's okay that you couldn't love me. It's okay that I'm different. It's okay that It's okay that I'm not perfect. It's okay that I will never look back. It's okay that I will never be the same.

Everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay.

Everything IS okay.

Definitely, maybe,

Erika

A Material Existence

"This will make you look skinnier,

That makes you look too fat"

"Don't cut your hair,

A girl wears her hair long;

Rip your hair out with this flat iron"

Thin is in

Pain is gain

Acceptance is missing

where did you go?

"your sweater isn't tight enough,

your jeans are too baggy"

"don't wear this, don't wear that"

"conceal the unevenness of your tone

highlight your eyes with this color

plump your eyelashes with that paste"

paint on your face:

so that it can be smeared by disappointment and lies

by the close of the evening.

top it all off with what?

SELF-LOATHING

Welcome to a material existence.

You will NEVER be enough.

You're not pretty enough.

You're not skinny enough.

You're not tall enough.

You're not short enough.

You don't dress well enough.

You don't shop enough.

You don't smile enough.

You don't laugh enough.

You don't talk enough.

You don't have enough.

You're not cool enough.

You're not good enough.

I. AM. ME.

I. AM. ENOUGH.

Insignificance

Today, I just feel.....

That's just it: I feel.

I don't really have anything significant to say.

This blog won't change the world.

Or discuss any social implications.

I just need to Talk

to whom?

NO ONE.

Myself.

Maybe God.

You.

I feel....

Weighted

Confused

Lost

Lonely

Separate

Tired

Distraught

Uncomfortable

Betrayed

Anxious

Soft

Open

Ready

Left Behind.

Can you make sense of it?

I can't.

3 weeks and counting...

What do I do?

Oh, God.

Here goes nothing.

WOW & DQ:

1. When you don't know what to do, don't do anything.

2. "It's empty in the valley of your heart. The sun, it rises slowly as you walk away from all the fears and all the faults you've left behind." --Mumford and Sons

Definitely, maybe,

Erika

"Give Me Liberty, Or Give Me Death"

Okay, so I know I suck at this whole keeping things updated on here, but I'm tryin'.

I have a main focus for this particular blog, but let me get you updated on my life as of now first:

-I'm managing to keep up in school. I'm not behind much this semester, which--I swear--is a first. However, I NEVER feel like I'm completely on top of things. Each weekend to me is like a major catch up session, and I really don't do anything but homework; I have no social life.. But that's okay. :)

-Working in the Writing Center is going pretty well. I think I'm really in my forte here, and I'm applying my skill. For my class associated with the tutoring, we have to write a research paper, and I'm really thinking about focusing on the rewards of tutoring for tutors and how it improves our own person school work ethic and makes us better people. It is a really huge interest for me.

-I had a bit of a breakdown this weekend; my computer skitzed out and almost crashed! It was attacked by this rogue anti-virus software that was full of trojan viruses, and it took me and my mom FOREVER to rid my computer of it, but we finally did. I feel fortunate that it was a pretty common one, so the solutions were posted all over the internet. The downside? I lost my four page critical theory paper twice before I actually got it finished and printed out (due to the viruses, Word wouldn't save ANYTHING--not even autosave for when it crashes....It crashed twice). The stress is over now, and I feel MUCH better. AND my computer runs great. :)

-I'm leaving town on Friday for my sister's wedding up in Salt Lake. I'm NOT excited for waking up at 7 o'clock in the morning and driving by myself all the way up to Salt Lake, but it's worth it. It'll be a nice break from St. George--a break well received... I NEED it.

-Finally, the intent of my blog today is to discuss ambition.

I know, I know. I talk about it a lot. But this particular time has a specific focus. In my Major American Women Authors class last week, Dr. Comeford has us watch the movie Iron Jawed Angels. For those of you who haven't seen it, SEE IT. It is AMAZING. It tells the true story of Alice Paul and her fight in the Womens Suffrage Movement in the 1910's. Alice Paul is played by Hilary Swank (AMAZING) AND Patrick Dempsey is in it--how can you go wrong? ;)

Anywho. This was not the first time I've seen this movie, but it was the first time I really connected with it. Alice Paul was pretty much an amazing woman, and she is my new hero. When I think about what those women were fighting for (fundamentally about civil liberties, not solely the specific right for women to vote), I can't help but pair it for the movement in the LGBT community right now to ensure some pretty basic human rights. This is haunting me, specifically recently, because my dearest friend and cousin Azure Peters (Smith) and her husband Ben are fighting with the city legislature of Cedar City, UT to (and please excuse me if this is not completely detailed correctly, its really a general overview) add a clause protecting the LGBT community from discrimination in the work place and in housing due to one's sexual orientations and preferences. While yes, to answer Ben, the City Council didn't give them an outright "No," more like a "not yet," this reminds me of the Women's Suffrage movement. The MEN making the legislature were telling Alice Paul and the NAWSA (Nat'l American Women's Suffrage Assocation) to hold off and be patient. They had a few states, right? Wasn't that enough? Eventually, it would happen, right? WRONG. While Carrie Chapman Catt (president of NAWSA at the time) felt like she needed to back down to remain in good political standing, Alice Paul decided that she would NOT take this lying down; if she were to back down now, it would be sending a message to her fellow women that this was okay, and that her cause was not important enough to keep fighting the opposition.

Similarly the STRAIGHT politicians are telling the LGBT community to hold off and be patient; it will happen eventually. If the LGBT community is to back down saying, "Gay marriage is legal in SOME states, eventually it will be legal in all" and "we just need to wait until the public comes around," NOTHING WILL EVER BE DONE. If Alice Paul had not stepped on a few toes by peacefully picketed right in front of the White House (insulting the president and most men along the way), if she had not been imprisoned and force fed through tubes in her throat and nostrils, if she had merely back off and waited for it to happen, would women be afforded their basic right today? To the LGBT community: are you willing to wait for people to come around? are you willing to lie down and back away because they've appeased you with a "not yet"? Are you willing to take the chance that you might never be afforded these basic rights?

How is this movement any different from the Women's Suffrage Movement? It was unconstitutional to deny the right to vote to any U.S. Citizen, so why was it denied to women for so long? It doesn't seem strange to us, now, that women have the right to vote, right? We all see that as a civil liberty, and yet so many people are willing to throw themselves behind the push to deny the right of the pursuit of happiness to the LGBT community.

Give me ONE solid argument for why the LGBT community should be denied the right to be protected under their government against discrimination. Give me ONE solid argument why they should be denied the right to be married to whomever they choose. If you can provide ONE argument that I cannot make a rebuttal for, I will concede and retreat in defeat. (Don't even THINK of playing the religion card, because isn't it constitutionally upheld that we separate church and state?)

Go ahead, try; I dare you.

Until then, I'm not giving up the fight. I'm not rolling over and letting them win. If the government can take these rights from them, what is stopping them from taking MY civil liberties away from me merely because I am a woman, or Native American, or any other excuse. Where can the line be drawn?

I am not gay. I am not lesbian. I am not bisexual. I am not transexual. But I stand up for ALL citizens of the United States, not merely those in the majority or the "norm." I believe in freedom of expression. I believe love is more powerful than hate. And I believe in an America where ALL people are ensured the right to be happy.

Don't give up; this fight has only just begun.

DQ(I need two today) & WOW:

DQ 1: "I won't give anything away 'til we have it all. I can't" --Alice Paul

DQ 2: "You ask me to explain myself. I'm just wondering, what needs to be explained? It should be very clear. Look into your own heart--I swear to you, mine is no different. You want a place in trade and profession where you can earn your bread; so do I. You want the means of self-expression; so do I. You want to satisfy your own personal ambitions; so do I. You want a voice in the government in which you live; so do I. So what is there to explain?" --Alice Paul

WOW: When they start getting defensive, you know you've done something right.

Definitely, maybe,

Erika

Welcome Back to the Land of the Living

Okay.

So I know it's been over a month.

But this month has been CRAZY.

School, Shakespeare, work, school, Shakespeare, work, etc., etc., etc.

School--not much to update.

Shakespeare--I know I don't HAVE to help, but Andy asked so nicely, and I really do love Shakespeare a lot :)

Work--I quit Red Mountain Spa! And it's about time. Whew! I got hired over at the Writing Center at the college as a writing tutor, so that's pretty fun. It's a great job for me.

Mainly what I want to talk about today is family.

What does family mean to you?

Is someone family just because they share a blood line with you?

Because they share a father or mother, maybe both?

What constitutes family?

You can take this, or you can leave this. You can stop reading now, for all I care. You are welcome to shut your laptop, exit the window, or sign off right this minute if you are worried about me disagreeing with you, or hurting your feelings. Welcome to reality. You are also welcome to continue reading if you feel so inclined; it doesn't matter either way for me.

Family does not mean that I will allow my life to be controlled and dictated by someone else's beliefs and desires solely because we share a father. Family does not mean that I will excuse rude, selfish, and other undesirable behavior easily. Just because you are my "family" does not mean that you can treat me like shit and expect me to roll over and take it. You earn your presence in my family; You have to earn my respect, love, and support. And don't think that forgiveness comes easily, because for me, it doesn't. I'm very good at holding grudges. I am very good with serving just desserts. You get what you ask for. And in this case, you have asked for me to turn my back on you and deny your existence in my life. In this case, you have begged me to rip you from the ranks of my familial ties. In this case you have influenced me to disown you. This is all on you, remember that next time you are quick to judge, assume, speak, or behave. Remember that the next time you indicate that all we have done for you means nothing to you and we aren't your "true family". Remember that when you need something from us and we aren't so willing to give unconditionally. Always remember that your behavior has harsh repercussions, sometimes not eligible for undoing. Always remember who you step on to get to the top--when you fall, those people aren't going to be there to catch you. Remember that when you fail.

I am done being associated with people who are the constant source of negativity in my lives. God only knows I have enough negativity due to my theories on life; I don't need the added darkness. I am finished being associated with people who not only have done nothing to deserve my love and devotion, but have done significant damage to the already weak relationship that existed. I am not an unconditional lover, and in this case, I have ceased loving.

Remember that.

WOW & DQ:

1. Rethink what "loyalty" means to you.

2. "Everybody, sooner or later, sits down to a banquet of consequences." --Robert Louis Stevenson

Definitely, maybe,

Erika

Tribute

I guarantee that there will be millions and millions of posts like this today all throughout the country, but I feel the necessity to join in.

I would like to thank all of the brave police and firemen who served on that black day nine years ago. Also, to all of the EMTs, doctors, and nurses who saved thousands of lives, but also bear the burden of having lost so many.

To all of the families of the fallen, to the families of the saved, to those who felt the effects of that day.

Also, to all of the soldiers, past and present, who selflessly risk(ed) their lives to answer the call of our nation. To all of the families who let them go and support them relentlessly. To all those who have died and survived.

To my mom. To my grandpa. To my uncle. To my friends.

May we all remember how fragile the human existence really is.

Where were you that day?

Do you remember?

May we always remember.

Do you have the courage? The respect?

Do you have it in you?

Because I do.

See you on the battlefield.

As Of Late

Okay,

Here I am, back again. Sorry it's been so long.

These past few weeks have been INSANE.

• Working 30+ hours a week
• School started
• Relationships?
• Homework load!

Work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work! I went from not working for two weeks (We'll get to that part), to working SO much. I've been picking up morning hours too! I only have day school on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, so I work most Tuesday mornings and some Thursday mornings that means one to two 8-9 hour shifts a week plus an average of about four or five 4 hour shifts. I have been working SO much! while taking 19 credit hours in school. I'm crazy! Haha but so far it's working out fine. I even have more spare time that I thought I would. :)

That brings me to school... Okay so I'm a junior this year. Frightening/exciting much?! Generals are OUT of the way! Now just english, english, english, english, english, english, english until I'm done! This semester I am taking: Elements of Grammar, Literary Theory and Criticism, Major American Women Authors, Critical Introduction to Literature, Acting I, and American Sign Language 2010. It's a full, but very fun semester. I've got people I know in all my classes so that eliminates my need to venture out of my social comfort bubble. I have a feeling that this semester will be a very fun and rewarding one. Look out world, here I come!

Okay. SO. NO for all those of you who saw my facebook thing and were seriously wondering: NO, I am not engaged. It was merely for my amusement. I find it amusing that people hinge their entire system of truth and knowledge off of what they read on facebook. It is obnoxious to me, however, that people would really believe that I would be engaged. Anyone who knows me in the slightest would KNOW that I'm not getting engaged or married anytime soon. Plenty of people were still shocked or uncertain about the post. The words never even escaped my mouth, or fingers for that matter. I TOLD no one, yes a simple change of relationship status got people all flustered. REALLY?! Let me clarify if you still don't get it: I AM NOT, NOR WILL I BE ANYTIME SOON, GETTING ENGAGED. Comprende? As far as the relationship thing goes, well this past month was an interesting one for me. I will explain. First, Vince left. THANK GOD. He was nothing more to me than a bothersome troublemaker and my life is better off without him in it. If he ever runs across this post, I'm sorry! But it's the truth. Second, I had a close encounter with what it would be like to be with someone that I truly care about. For the first time, I was the one wanting to pursue a relationship and he wasn't. Not yet anyway. This is a HUGE marking point for me. I've never had the desire to be with someone so much that I actively pursued the relationship. Especially now that I know where I'm taking my life. It could mean that I am reaching a new stage in my life, or that I have found someone I am truly compatible with. Either way, it feels good. What doesn't feel so good? He doesn't want that right now. Which, whatever, it's fine. I understand that it's not really a good time in either of our lives. But when is a good time? Can anyone answer that abstract question? Will there ever be a "good/right time"? Is he just scared? I know he cares about me a lot. I really do. But I'm not the typ eof person to stick around and wait for people to be "ready." So what do I do? :/

My homework load isn't HUGE, but it is pretty large sized. And it's all reading and writing stuff so it takes a concentrated amount of time. I can't just work on my homework while passive working on other things. I have devote my TIME to it, which for those of you who know me well enough, you know its a HUGE deal. Oh, well. It happens.

So for now, I sign off (to do homework of course). :)

Have a fabulous night.

WOW & DQ:

1. Don't let ANYONE tell you who you are and what you are capable of. That is completely YOUR CHOICE.

2. "Whatever you do in life will me insignificant, but it is very important that you do it because every life has a meaning whether it lasts one hundred years or one hundred second. Every life and every death change the world in its own way." --Ghandi, Remember Me

Definitely, maybe,

Erika

Rushing and Racing, and Running in Circles

This--- this is the beginning of my end.

I don't care who reads this, or who knows what the hell I'm talking about.

I want this documented for all--including me--to show, when all is said and done, what happened.

I will fall irrevocably in love. And I don't know where that will take me, or what my future will be. But I know it will happen.

I fear that it is already too late to stop it.

This time's a doozie. This time around the block is going to kick me in the arse. I can feel it now.

Feels like i'm spinning out of control.

The rush is exhilarating.

I am slowly moving away from the carefully guarded status of my heart, into the unknown.

Safe--

God, that words sounds so peaceful, so perfect.

That's all I want:

to be safe.

Here it is, for all of you.

This is for when all goes wrong, and I am found in a dripping puddle of my love.

Tell me you told me so.

I'll deserve it.

Here goes nothin'

WOW & DQ:

1. No regrets

2. "Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves--regret for the past and fear of the future." --Fulton Oursler

Definitely, maybe,

Erika

Pieces Of My Current Existence.

I just have a few things to get off my chest.

1. Vince is an epic douche bag.

After everything that went down, he couldn't muster up enough decency to give me the goodbye that I not only rightfully deserved, but that I completely earned after putting up with his bullshit for so long. He just up and left. No last words. No "I'm sorry for everything I put you through." No "If I could go back in time..." Just sayonara, but without the actual words. He just.... left.

I say good riddance.

I am moving on from him and that dark, confusing time in my life. I guarantee my life will be better, brighter, and happier now.

2. Guess who's baaaaaack?

Andrew. Kind of. We talked. Good? Yeah? Maybe. He said in so many words that our relationship might not be over?

But he said it in a very vague way that could, to the naked eye, mean absolutely nothing. But I KNOW him. And he never means nothing.

Anyway, we talked for a really long time. Talked, laughed, and reminisced. Just enjoyed each other's company. But all in all? I really just realized how incompatible we always were. IT's good to have that closure-- the peace of mind. I feel much better now. Also a positive, as long as Andrew doesn't try to get back with me, I believe that we can remain close friends.

3. New?

What do you do when one tells you that they emotionally, spiritually, and physically want to be with you, but that socially, they aren't ready to commit. I know, I know. That looks baaaad. And it makes me feel bad. But I know that he is doing what I always do. He is being cautious. Trying to wiggle his way out of it before he gets hurt. He just wants to go slow. He just wants to make sure he's ready and that this is right. Is that so bad?

Am I just convincing myself of all this, like I've done in the past? Or is he really different? Should I just back out now, while I still have what little sanity I've managed to retain?

ROYGBIV! Why is this so frustrating

DQ & WOW:

1. "The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in." -- Morrie Schwartz

2. Never get married.

Definitely, maybe,

Erika

New

I've been thinking a lot lately about who means the most to me in my life. The conclusion of my thoughts? Well.. there was no conclusion. I realize that I have sat around and whined about the fact that I am so alone, and I don't have very many friends, and blah blah blah. But I'm really blessed. I have three beautiful sisters of whom I love dearly; I have a gorgeous, strong independent best friend; I have a mother who is the most kind, and supportive mother in the world; and I have a roof over my head, food on the table, and an education paid for. What more could I ask for?

I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself. I'm sick of dwelling on the negatives in life. I'm sick of whining and complaining. I'm sick of waiting for other to solve the problem or the problem to solve itself.

From here on out I'm a new woman.







Welcome to my new attitude.

DQ & WOW:
1. "To be a champion, fight one more round." -James Corbett
2. Begin your life NOW.

Definitely, maybe,
Erika


P.S. Here's my new hair to go along with my new 'tude. :)

New Blog

Don't worry, I'm keeping this one two.

Buuuut..

"Dear Friend" is something that I've been doing for a very long time. They are messages to a very special friend, and they are very personal. That would be my only caution: these letters are from the deepest recesses of my heart and mind. You might be disturbed by what I say, think, and feel. But they are my words, thoughts, and feelings, and you certainly don't have to read them. So read, enjoy, and learn, but if you have a problem with something I say, don't come crying to me.

Don't say I didn't warn you.



http://dearfriendareyououtthere.blogspot.com

Welcome to my heart.

Not Fair.

I've decided that I'm not really fair to myself.

I hold myself to a higher standard than I hold other people to, and it is self-destructive. People always say that about themselves--that they are too hard on themselves and they should lighten up--but I really, honest-to-god, mean it.

Why do I close my heart to the world?

I just talked with Selena about this. She is very similar to me in many ways. The difference? She hasn't learned to accept her fate. She hasn't grown complacent with loneliness like I have. She closes herself off but then expects the world to love and accept her. I would say she is in a safe place. For me? I have grown accustomed to loneliness. It isn't a factor of life for me anymore; it's a way of life.

I purposefully avoid meeting new people.

When I see people I already know in public, I tend to avoid them so I don't have to stop and talk. And if they happen to see and stop me, I grow very uncomfortable.

My best friend got up and walked straight out of my life, and I didn't do a damn thing to stop her. And I still don't feel anything about it. -----> I just don't care.

People ask: "how can you just not care?"

Answer: "I don't know, I just manage it, somehow."

Does this seem cold? Apathetic? Plain? Cruel? All of these things, I have heard before. But none of them are true. You'll get to know me and find out I'm am one of the kindest, selfless, most caring people that exist in this world; I just have a funny way of showing it.

So back to my main point: how can I incorporate that into the way the world views me?

I guess I just expect people to treat me the way they always have, so it is easier to just assume they'll walk out as Camille did. That way, when they do, the situations lack surprise and disappointment.

See how I do that? I hold myself to a different standard. I assume that I am different from the world: Erika vs. World style. But that isn't true... not in the slightest.

I deserve to be happy. I deserve to find passion, romance, friendship, sisterhood, camaraderie. I should allow myself to open my heart to the world in order to find those things.

The real question at hand: Can I?

Stay tuned, and you might just find out.

DQ & WOW:

1. "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." --Gone with the Wind

2. Choose who you want to be, accept who your are, and begin building your life upon that foundation. But most importantly? Take your own advice.

Definitely, maybe,

Erika

P.S. Sorry it's take so long, won't happen again! :)

A Piece of My Mind

Hey y'all,

Sorry it's been so looooooong. :/

Buuuuuuuuuuut....

I have just a few things on my mind tonight.

Here goes nothin'

1. Ambition vs. Mediocrity

Hmmmmmm. I am perplexed by something, and maybe y'all can give me some insight. Lately, when I tell literally ANYONE that I am planning on going to Law School, the first thing out of their mouth is something to the effect of, "Wow, good for you! That is ambitious!"

Is it? Really? Isn't it just like getting any Graduate Degree? And for that matter, why is going to Grad School "ambitious"? I have spent my entire youth knowing that I wouldn't just get a four-year degree; I would get as far as I could--maybe even getting multiple degrees. Never once in my life did I think I could be content with one four-year degree.

Am I ambitious? Above-average? Better? NO. I have just had it instilled in me from a young age that I can DO anything and BE anyone and GO anywhere. The limit to how great I can become comes only from me. My parents both have graduate degrees in very ambitious fields, and both are professor at a college. My mom has recently decided that instead of getting her doctorate in nursing, she is going to go to Law School with me. My sister has also just decided that after obtaining her degree in city-planning she is also going to law school. My dad has tackled opening his own engineering and architecture firm and has survived in this rotten economy only to decide to further his entrepreneurial tendencies and open up a gun store and shooting range. Does ANY of this seem ambitious to me? NO. I am proud to call these people my family, but I am not shocked, or surprised that they would reach this far.

I assumed the world was like me and my family, but I was wrong. I don't feel as if I am overly ambitious, or smarter than anyone. How could I be? So is the rest of the world mediocre? Or more accurately comfortable with mediocrity?

If this is true, I'm pissed.

2. Love in the Making?

Okay, so here goes nothing. You will probably never here me admit to this in person, or ever reference it again, but I must get something off my chest:

I sometimes desire human companionship.

There are moments in my life where I wish that I had someone; where I wish that relationships were easier for me. For some people, it comes naturally. Now, I'm not saying that ANY relationship is easy, I'm just stating that for some people (namely people persons) do well with other people. It is easier for them to socially network and meet new people. It is easy for them to open up their soul to others.

But for me it is nigh impossible. I have a very difficult time relying on people, even my friends and family. I have a difficult time talking about my feelings (or even sometimes admitting that I HAVE feelings). I don't see the world the way a lot of people do. And that makes it difficult to understand other people's ways of dealing with things.

Another thing: Marriage has not been and still isn't a priority for me. I will do just fine if I don't get married, AND I'll be happy to boot. People always tell me that though I say I don't want to get married, I really do. THAT IS FALSE. I have no burning desire to be married. Now, that doesn't mean that I WON'T get married or refuse to, it just means that I'm not out looking for that and I won't be disappointed when it doesn't happen. But that doesn't mean that I don't want to know that someone out there cares about me.

That's why I'm content where I am right now. I have someone who treats me like I'm unique, beautiful, intelligent, and special. I have someone who will take care of me. He opens doors for me, buys me dinner, wraps his arms around me, smiles at me when he thinks I'm not looking, and genuinely cares about me. But we're not "together." Isn't that okay, for now? Isn't it okay to just enjoy each other's company and take care of what relationship we DO have, instead of just wish we had something else or more? If I continue to keep it here, will I lose him? Because I really don't want to. But on the other hand, do I think I can love him? I don't know that I'm even capable of love anymore...

3. Friendship: What it Means to Me

Friendship is:

• Going to Zumba and dying of lack of oxygen together
• Peeing behind dumpsters while on walks together
• Laughing for no reason, and not being able to stop. Then having the professor yell at you because we SHOULD be working
• Going for a walk around campus at 11 o'clock at night and dancing by the fountain
• pretending to be lesbians at Chili's
• Sneaking food into the movie theater together
• Going for walks at 3 o'clock in the morning to walk off your drunkenness
• Disagreeing and arguing, but in the end still loving each other
• Telling each other EXACTLY what we think about things
• Not being afraid to voice one's opinion
• Buying each other lunch
• Making jokes about twilight together
• Watching MERLIN together
• Watching your friend die and be brought back to life by some God (not literally?)
• Having sleepovers and ACTUALLY SLEEPING
• Peeing your pants in the kitchen because you can't make it to the bathroom
• Having a scrunchie rule
• Lending a helping hand, even when it's inconvenient
• Tie-dying T-shirts the first time you hang out with a person
• Staying up all night discussing the mysteries of the universe
• Waking someone up from "seizures" in the hallway
• Crying because they're leaving
• Visiting far away friends not because you want to, but because you can't live without them.
• Recording "Defying Gravity" for a former teacher on a lunch break
• Enduring through the hard times while remembering the good ones
• Keeping promises

Ugh, I'm disappointed with people. As I reflect on the good times that I've had I realize that I have some pretty amazing friends. But VERY FEW. Mostly, I have really crappy "friends" that aren't really friends.

5. ZUMBA

All I have to say is... I WENT TO ZUMBA TONIGHT and my body hurts suuuuuuper bad. But it was SO fun (as usual) and I want to keep going! So thank you to Selena for coming with me and sharing that experience with me!

Whew.. glad I got all that off my chest. Thanks for reading? I feel better...

WOW & DQ:

1. Don't be afraid of your potential.

2. "The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark." - Michelangelo

Catch ya on the flip side,

Definitely, maybe,

Erika

Ready, Set, .....Go?

Every part of my entire being is telling me to stop--red flagging me... except for my heart. My head is saying, "he's done this before, he'll do it again" and, "this can only end in more heartache and confusion." But here I find myself back in the same position. Why does this have to happen to me? Why can't I just be left alone? Or at least be able to make sound, healthy decisions for myself.

What do I do when my heart and my head are not in correspondence?

How can I make them work together in tandem?

Why does he play with my heart?

Why do I let him?

This isn't going to work. And next time I find myself in that same position, I will grab his arm, politely give it back to him and tell him, "put that around someone who can be fooled, because I won't be."

Time and time again

I sit, faltering in what I know

to be safe. My haven disappears,

and I pass into a state of confusion.

Lost inside a new world of angst.

Hold fast to what I know,

to make it out of this maze alive.

How can I trust you to keep me safe?

Hold my hand?

Put your arm around me?

Intertwine your fingers with mine,

wrapping our legs into a tangled mess.

A mess of breathing,

in, out, in out

Our heartbeats so close,

beating together.

Time winds down,

I have emerged unscathed.

Will I be as safe

if this happens again?

I have no words of wisdom right now. But here's a quote:

--"Suspense is worse than disappointment." --Robert Burns

Definitely, maybe,

Erika