A Material Existence

"This will make you look skinnier,

That makes you look too fat"

"Don't cut your hair,

A girl wears her hair long;

Rip your hair out with this flat iron"

Thin is in

Pain is gain

Acceptance is missing

where did you go?

"your sweater isn't tight enough,

your jeans are too baggy"

"don't wear this, don't wear that"

"conceal the unevenness of your tone

highlight your eyes with this color

plump your eyelashes with that paste"

paint on your face:

so that it can be smeared by disappointment and lies

by the close of the evening.

top it all off with what?

SELF-LOATHING

Welcome to a material existence.

You will NEVER be enough.

You're not pretty enough.

You're not skinny enough.

You're not tall enough.

You're not short enough.

You don't dress well enough.

You don't shop enough.

You don't smile enough.

You don't laugh enough.

You don't talk enough.

You don't have enough.

You're not cool enough.

You're not good enough.

I. AM. ME.

I. AM. ENOUGH.

Insignificance

Today, I just feel.....

That's just it: I feel.

I don't really have anything significant to say.

This blog won't change the world.

Or discuss any social implications.

I just need to Talk

to whom?

NO ONE.

Myself.

Maybe God.

You.

I feel....

Weighted

Confused

Lost

Lonely

Separate

Tired

Distraught

Uncomfortable

Betrayed

Anxious

Soft

Open

Ready

Left Behind.

Can you make sense of it?

I can't.

3 weeks and counting...

What do I do?

Oh, God.

Here goes nothing.

WOW & DQ:

1. When you don't know what to do, don't do anything.

2. "It's empty in the valley of your heart. The sun, it rises slowly as you walk away from all the fears and all the faults you've left behind." --Mumford and Sons

Definitely, maybe,

Erika

"Give Me Liberty, Or Give Me Death"

Okay, so I know I suck at this whole keeping things updated on here, but I'm tryin'.

I have a main focus for this particular blog, but let me get you updated on my life as of now first:

-I'm managing to keep up in school. I'm not behind much this semester, which--I swear--is a first. However, I NEVER feel like I'm completely on top of things. Each weekend to me is like a major catch up session, and I really don't do anything but homework; I have no social life.. But that's okay. :)

-Working in the Writing Center is going pretty well. I think I'm really in my forte here, and I'm applying my skill. For my class associated with the tutoring, we have to write a research paper, and I'm really thinking about focusing on the rewards of tutoring for tutors and how it improves our own person school work ethic and makes us better people. It is a really huge interest for me.

-I had a bit of a breakdown this weekend; my computer skitzed out and almost crashed! It was attacked by this rogue anti-virus software that was full of trojan viruses, and it took me and my mom FOREVER to rid my computer of it, but we finally did. I feel fortunate that it was a pretty common one, so the solutions were posted all over the internet. The downside? I lost my four page critical theory paper twice before I actually got it finished and printed out (due to the viruses, Word wouldn't save ANYTHING--not even autosave for when it crashes....It crashed twice). The stress is over now, and I feel MUCH better. AND my computer runs great. :)

-I'm leaving town on Friday for my sister's wedding up in Salt Lake. I'm NOT excited for waking up at 7 o'clock in the morning and driving by myself all the way up to Salt Lake, but it's worth it. It'll be a nice break from St. George--a break well received... I NEED it.

-Finally, the intent of my blog today is to discuss ambition.

I know, I know. I talk about it a lot. But this particular time has a specific focus. In my Major American Women Authors class last week, Dr. Comeford has us watch the movie Iron Jawed Angels. For those of you who haven't seen it, SEE IT. It is AMAZING. It tells the true story of Alice Paul and her fight in the Womens Suffrage Movement in the 1910's. Alice Paul is played by Hilary Swank (AMAZING) AND Patrick Dempsey is in it--how can you go wrong? ;)

Anywho. This was not the first time I've seen this movie, but it was the first time I really connected with it. Alice Paul was pretty much an amazing woman, and she is my new hero. When I think about what those women were fighting for (fundamentally about civil liberties, not solely the specific right for women to vote), I can't help but pair it for the movement in the LGBT community right now to ensure some pretty basic human rights. This is haunting me, specifically recently, because my dearest friend and cousin Azure Peters (Smith) and her husband Ben are fighting with the city legislature of Cedar City, UT to (and please excuse me if this is not completely detailed correctly, its really a general overview) add a clause protecting the LGBT community from discrimination in the work place and in housing due to one's sexual orientations and preferences. While yes, to answer Ben, the City Council didn't give them an outright "No," more like a "not yet," this reminds me of the Women's Suffrage movement. The MEN making the legislature were telling Alice Paul and the NAWSA (Nat'l American Women's Suffrage Assocation) to hold off and be patient. They had a few states, right? Wasn't that enough? Eventually, it would happen, right? WRONG. While Carrie Chapman Catt (president of NAWSA at the time) felt like she needed to back down to remain in good political standing, Alice Paul decided that she would NOT take this lying down; if she were to back down now, it would be sending a message to her fellow women that this was okay, and that her cause was not important enough to keep fighting the opposition.

Similarly the STRAIGHT politicians are telling the LGBT community to hold off and be patient; it will happen eventually. If the LGBT community is to back down saying, "Gay marriage is legal in SOME states, eventually it will be legal in all" and "we just need to wait until the public comes around," NOTHING WILL EVER BE DONE. If Alice Paul had not stepped on a few toes by peacefully picketed right in front of the White House (insulting the president and most men along the way), if she had not been imprisoned and force fed through tubes in her throat and nostrils, if she had merely back off and waited for it to happen, would women be afforded their basic right today? To the LGBT community: are you willing to wait for people to come around? are you willing to lie down and back away because they've appeased you with a "not yet"? Are you willing to take the chance that you might never be afforded these basic rights?

How is this movement any different from the Women's Suffrage Movement? It was unconstitutional to deny the right to vote to any U.S. Citizen, so why was it denied to women for so long? It doesn't seem strange to us, now, that women have the right to vote, right? We all see that as a civil liberty, and yet so many people are willing to throw themselves behind the push to deny the right of the pursuit of happiness to the LGBT community.

Give me ONE solid argument for why the LGBT community should be denied the right to be protected under their government against discrimination. Give me ONE solid argument why they should be denied the right to be married to whomever they choose. If you can provide ONE argument that I cannot make a rebuttal for, I will concede and retreat in defeat. (Don't even THINK of playing the religion card, because isn't it constitutionally upheld that we separate church and state?)

Go ahead, try; I dare you.

Until then, I'm not giving up the fight. I'm not rolling over and letting them win. If the government can take these rights from them, what is stopping them from taking MY civil liberties away from me merely because I am a woman, or Native American, or any other excuse. Where can the line be drawn?

I am not gay. I am not lesbian. I am not bisexual. I am not transexual. But I stand up for ALL citizens of the United States, not merely those in the majority or the "norm." I believe in freedom of expression. I believe love is more powerful than hate. And I believe in an America where ALL people are ensured the right to be happy.

Don't give up; this fight has only just begun.

DQ(I need two today) & WOW:

DQ 1: "I won't give anything away 'til we have it all. I can't" --Alice Paul

DQ 2: "You ask me to explain myself. I'm just wondering, what needs to be explained? It should be very clear. Look into your own heart--I swear to you, mine is no different. You want a place in trade and profession where you can earn your bread; so do I. You want the means of self-expression; so do I. You want to satisfy your own personal ambitions; so do I. You want a voice in the government in which you live; so do I. So what is there to explain?" --Alice Paul

WOW: When they start getting defensive, you know you've done something right.

Definitely, maybe,

Erika

Welcome Back to the Land of the Living

Okay.

So I know it's been over a month.

But this month has been CRAZY.

School, Shakespeare, work, school, Shakespeare, work, etc., etc., etc.

School--not much to update.

Shakespeare--I know I don't HAVE to help, but Andy asked so nicely, and I really do love Shakespeare a lot :)

Work--I quit Red Mountain Spa! And it's about time. Whew! I got hired over at the Writing Center at the college as a writing tutor, so that's pretty fun. It's a great job for me.

Mainly what I want to talk about today is family.

What does family mean to you?

Is someone family just because they share a blood line with you?

Because they share a father or mother, maybe both?

What constitutes family?

You can take this, or you can leave this. You can stop reading now, for all I care. You are welcome to shut your laptop, exit the window, or sign off right this minute if you are worried about me disagreeing with you, or hurting your feelings. Welcome to reality. You are also welcome to continue reading if you feel so inclined; it doesn't matter either way for me.

Family does not mean that I will allow my life to be controlled and dictated by someone else's beliefs and desires solely because we share a father. Family does not mean that I will excuse rude, selfish, and other undesirable behavior easily. Just because you are my "family" does not mean that you can treat me like shit and expect me to roll over and take it. You earn your presence in my family; You have to earn my respect, love, and support. And don't think that forgiveness comes easily, because for me, it doesn't. I'm very good at holding grudges. I am very good with serving just desserts. You get what you ask for. And in this case, you have asked for me to turn my back on you and deny your existence in my life. In this case, you have begged me to rip you from the ranks of my familial ties. In this case you have influenced me to disown you. This is all on you, remember that next time you are quick to judge, assume, speak, or behave. Remember that the next time you indicate that all we have done for you means nothing to you and we aren't your "true family". Remember that when you need something from us and we aren't so willing to give unconditionally. Always remember that your behavior has harsh repercussions, sometimes not eligible for undoing. Always remember who you step on to get to the top--when you fall, those people aren't going to be there to catch you. Remember that when you fail.

I am done being associated with people who are the constant source of negativity in my lives. God only knows I have enough negativity due to my theories on life; I don't need the added darkness. I am finished being associated with people who not only have done nothing to deserve my love and devotion, but have done significant damage to the already weak relationship that existed. I am not an unconditional lover, and in this case, I have ceased loving.

Remember that.

WOW & DQ:

1. Rethink what "loyalty" means to you.

2. "Everybody, sooner or later, sits down to a banquet of consequences." --Robert Louis Stevenson

Definitely, maybe,

Erika

Tribute

I guarantee that there will be millions and millions of posts like this today all throughout the country, but I feel the necessity to join in.

I would like to thank all of the brave police and firemen who served on that black day nine years ago. Also, to all of the EMTs, doctors, and nurses who saved thousands of lives, but also bear the burden of having lost so many.

To all of the families of the fallen, to the families of the saved, to those who felt the effects of that day.

Also, to all of the soldiers, past and present, who selflessly risk(ed) their lives to answer the call of our nation. To all of the families who let them go and support them relentlessly. To all those who have died and survived.

To my mom. To my grandpa. To my uncle. To my friends.

May we all remember how fragile the human existence really is.

Where were you that day?

Do you remember?

May we always remember.

Do you have the courage? The respect?

Do you have it in you?

Because I do.

See you on the battlefield.

As Of Late

Okay,

Here I am, back again. Sorry it's been so long.

These past few weeks have been INSANE.

• Working 30+ hours a week
• School started
• Relationships?
• Homework load!

Work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work! I went from not working for two weeks (We'll get to that part), to working SO much. I've been picking up morning hours too! I only have day school on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, so I work most Tuesday mornings and some Thursday mornings that means one to two 8-9 hour shifts a week plus an average of about four or five 4 hour shifts. I have been working SO much! while taking 19 credit hours in school. I'm crazy! Haha but so far it's working out fine. I even have more spare time that I thought I would. :)

That brings me to school... Okay so I'm a junior this year. Frightening/exciting much?! Generals are OUT of the way! Now just english, english, english, english, english, english, english until I'm done! This semester I am taking: Elements of Grammar, Literary Theory and Criticism, Major American Women Authors, Critical Introduction to Literature, Acting I, and American Sign Language 2010. It's a full, but very fun semester. I've got people I know in all my classes so that eliminates my need to venture out of my social comfort bubble. I have a feeling that this semester will be a very fun and rewarding one. Look out world, here I come!

Okay. SO. NO for all those of you who saw my facebook thing and were seriously wondering: NO, I am not engaged. It was merely for my amusement. I find it amusing that people hinge their entire system of truth and knowledge off of what they read on facebook. It is obnoxious to me, however, that people would really believe that I would be engaged. Anyone who knows me in the slightest would KNOW that I'm not getting engaged or married anytime soon. Plenty of people were still shocked or uncertain about the post. The words never even escaped my mouth, or fingers for that matter. I TOLD no one, yes a simple change of relationship status got people all flustered. REALLY?! Let me clarify if you still don't get it: I AM NOT, NOR WILL I BE ANYTIME SOON, GETTING ENGAGED. Comprende? As far as the relationship thing goes, well this past month was an interesting one for me. I will explain. First, Vince left. THANK GOD. He was nothing more to me than a bothersome troublemaker and my life is better off without him in it. If he ever runs across this post, I'm sorry! But it's the truth. Second, I had a close encounter with what it would be like to be with someone that I truly care about. For the first time, I was the one wanting to pursue a relationship and he wasn't. Not yet anyway. This is a HUGE marking point for me. I've never had the desire to be with someone so much that I actively pursued the relationship. Especially now that I know where I'm taking my life. It could mean that I am reaching a new stage in my life, or that I have found someone I am truly compatible with. Either way, it feels good. What doesn't feel so good? He doesn't want that right now. Which, whatever, it's fine. I understand that it's not really a good time in either of our lives. But when is a good time? Can anyone answer that abstract question? Will there ever be a "good/right time"? Is he just scared? I know he cares about me a lot. I really do. But I'm not the typ eof person to stick around and wait for people to be "ready." So what do I do? :/

My homework load isn't HUGE, but it is pretty large sized. And it's all reading and writing stuff so it takes a concentrated amount of time. I can't just work on my homework while passive working on other things. I have devote my TIME to it, which for those of you who know me well enough, you know its a HUGE deal. Oh, well. It happens.

So for now, I sign off (to do homework of course). :)

Have a fabulous night.

WOW & DQ:

1. Don't let ANYONE tell you who you are and what you are capable of. That is completely YOUR CHOICE.

2. "Whatever you do in life will me insignificant, but it is very important that you do it because every life has a meaning whether it lasts one hundred years or one hundred second. Every life and every death change the world in its own way." --Ghandi, Remember Me

Definitely, maybe,

Erika

Rushing and Racing, and Running in Circles

This--- this is the beginning of my end.

I don't care who reads this, or who knows what the hell I'm talking about.

I want this documented for all--including me--to show, when all is said and done, what happened.

I will fall irrevocably in love. And I don't know where that will take me, or what my future will be. But I know it will happen.

I fear that it is already too late to stop it.

This time's a doozie. This time around the block is going to kick me in the arse. I can feel it now.

Feels like i'm spinning out of control.

The rush is exhilarating.

I am slowly moving away from the carefully guarded status of my heart, into the unknown.

Safe--

God, that words sounds so peaceful, so perfect.

That's all I want:

to be safe.

Here it is, for all of you.

This is for when all goes wrong, and I am found in a dripping puddle of my love.

Tell me you told me so.

I'll deserve it.

Here goes nothin'

WOW & DQ:

1. No regrets

2. "Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves--regret for the past and fear of the future." --Fulton Oursler

Definitely, maybe,

Erika