Sometimes

Sometimes, good things don't work out.

Sometimes, bitterness doesn't help numb anything.

Sometimes, the disappointment and frustration of an unfair situation eats me from the inside out, making it impossible to breathe.

At the end of the day, not every man who hurts a woman is a villain. Sometimes, he is merely doing what he needs to do in order to survive.

But where does that leave me?

Deep chasms cut into your rigid brow
painting streaks of worry across your soft face.
Your eyes carry with them
glassy remnants of sorrow and regret,
splashed with dashes of embarrassment.

Your words get caught in your throat
as weighted silence creeps through cracks
and seeps into long-forgotten crevices
leaving no empty airspace for
your sympathetic attempt to
appease the disappointment
choking me.

Discomfort wraps her tight arms around your throat;
I can almost feel her fingernails
scrape at your vocal chords,
ripping away your ability to speak.
Simultaneously she deposits a dense mass
in the bottom recesses of my gut,
magnetically binding me to my rigid place
at your right hand.

The urgent need to complete this complicated task
overpowers Discomforts reigning grasp.
As her lengthy fingers retreat,
your lips part to reveal a shadowed channel
destined to deliver the night’s misfortune,
despite the stillness of the dark
alluringly passing outside your window.

“I’m sorry,
I never meant to…”
Begging for forgiveness,
your words permeate the air,
slowly and softly.

Funny,

My last post on this blog was... a year ago. Exactly. Well, almost exactly. Minus a half hour or so.

You've missed a lot. Hell, I've missed a lot. But you really have. You've missed

-A relationship with the [almost] love of my life (in its entirety)

-An anti-climactic graduation from college

-Meetings with Air Force recruiters

-Various love affairs (You know me) that NEVER live up to what I think I need

-Multiple divine revelations proving that God does, indeed, have a sense of humor.

I'm really sure that You have missed far more than this, but this brings me to the point of this post. Nothing that happened in the last year is something I want to rehash for various misfits and Facebook [barely] friends to read at 3:17 A.M. when they should be asleep but are instead putting off studying for their Bio test by Facebook stalking people they swear they wished they talked to more.

I don't care that much.

So here's the update in one sentence: I am a recent-college-grad applying my baccalaureate[no I didn't have to spell check that; isn't that sad?]-acquired communication skills in the Food Service Industry while still looking for love [unfortunately] but settling, instead, for a good read by a cozy fire (currently: Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahnuik).

In summary? I'm boring.

I'm not going to pretend that I am going to use this blog to keep all of my millions [ha] of readers up-to-date on my devotion to new years resolutions.

I'm not going to use this space to shove sappy love stories down Your throats in an attempt to reassure you that I am happy.

I'm not going to share with the internet the succes of my diets, or of my spirituality, or of my love life.

What I am going to do is something that I have neglected to do for far too long: I am going to write.

I am going to write anything and everything that pops into my head. I am going to write [bad] poetry, and cynical exposés on the human condition, and one line wonders. I will write quotes from authors I aspire to [but will never] be like. I will write because it makes me happy, and it has been a lot time since I have done something just because it makes me happy to do it.

So join me for the ride.

Or don't join me.

Or only join me when it is 3:17 A.M. and you remember you haven't checked my blog in a while and probably can kill 45 minutes catching up on my posts so you have an excuse not to study for the aforementioned test.

I don't care.

Because this?

This is for me.

Everything Will Be Okay

It's about time that I posted something. The world needs an update for how Erika is doing, right?! Probably wrong, but words help me get things clear.

I have changed more in the last two weeks than I have in the last two years. I have so radically flipped my life around. Can I even be called the same person? I believe in things I've never believed in. I've felt things I've never felt. I've seen things I've never seen. I've trusted in ways I've never trusted. From here, I don't know where I'll go.

I feel like a phase of my life is over; doors have closed. I turn around and what do I see? White. Never ending white. No more doors, no windows, no color, no people. A blank slate with endless possibilities. Where do I go? What do I do? How do I know?

I feel calm. Moving away from here is where I need to go; I can't stay in a transition period for forever. I have leave this place, these people. I need to move forward and begin building my new life. I need to begin my future. It's okay that I will leave these people behind. It's okay that it didn't work out. It's okay that you couldn't love me. It's okay that I'm different. It's okay that It's okay that I'm not perfect. It's okay that I will never look back. It's okay that I will never be the same.

Everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay.

Everything IS okay.

Definitely, maybe,

Erika

A Material Existence

"This will make you look skinnier,

That makes you look too fat"

"Don't cut your hair,

A girl wears her hair long;

Rip your hair out with this flat iron"

Thin is in

Pain is gain

Acceptance is missing

where did you go?

"your sweater isn't tight enough,

your jeans are too baggy"

"don't wear this, don't wear that"

"conceal the unevenness of your tone

highlight your eyes with this color

plump your eyelashes with that paste"

paint on your face:

so that it can be smeared by disappointment and lies

by the close of the evening.

top it all off with what?

SELF-LOATHING

Welcome to a material existence.

You will NEVER be enough.

You're not pretty enough.

You're not skinny enough.

You're not tall enough.

You're not short enough.

You don't dress well enough.

You don't shop enough.

You don't smile enough.

You don't laugh enough.

You don't talk enough.

You don't have enough.

You're not cool enough.

You're not good enough.

I. AM. ME.

I. AM. ENOUGH.

Insignificance

Today, I just feel.....

That's just it: I feel.

I don't really have anything significant to say.

This blog won't change the world.

Or discuss any social implications.

I just need to Talk

to whom?

NO ONE.

Myself.

Maybe God.

You.

I feel....

Weighted

Confused

Lost

Lonely

Separate

Tired

Distraught

Uncomfortable

Betrayed

Anxious

Soft

Open

Ready

Left Behind.

Can you make sense of it?

I can't.

3 weeks and counting...

What do I do?

Oh, God.

Here goes nothing.

WOW & DQ:

1. When you don't know what to do, don't do anything.

2. "It's empty in the valley of your heart. The sun, it rises slowly as you walk away from all the fears and all the faults you've left behind." --Mumford and Sons

Definitely, maybe,

Erika

"Give Me Liberty, Or Give Me Death"

Okay, so I know I suck at this whole keeping things updated on here, but I'm tryin'.

I have a main focus for this particular blog, but let me get you updated on my life as of now first:

-I'm managing to keep up in school. I'm not behind much this semester, which--I swear--is a first. However, I NEVER feel like I'm completely on top of things. Each weekend to me is like a major catch up session, and I really don't do anything but homework; I have no social life.. But that's okay. :)

-Working in the Writing Center is going pretty well. I think I'm really in my forte here, and I'm applying my skill. For my class associated with the tutoring, we have to write a research paper, and I'm really thinking about focusing on the rewards of tutoring for tutors and how it improves our own person school work ethic and makes us better people. It is a really huge interest for me.

-I had a bit of a breakdown this weekend; my computer skitzed out and almost crashed! It was attacked by this rogue anti-virus software that was full of trojan viruses, and it took me and my mom FOREVER to rid my computer of it, but we finally did. I feel fortunate that it was a pretty common one, so the solutions were posted all over the internet. The downside? I lost my four page critical theory paper twice before I actually got it finished and printed out (due to the viruses, Word wouldn't save ANYTHING--not even autosave for when it crashes....It crashed twice). The stress is over now, and I feel MUCH better. AND my computer runs great. :)

-I'm leaving town on Friday for my sister's wedding up in Salt Lake. I'm NOT excited for waking up at 7 o'clock in the morning and driving by myself all the way up to Salt Lake, but it's worth it. It'll be a nice break from St. George--a break well received... I NEED it.

-Finally, the intent of my blog today is to discuss ambition.

I know, I know. I talk about it a lot. But this particular time has a specific focus. In my Major American Women Authors class last week, Dr. Comeford has us watch the movie Iron Jawed Angels. For those of you who haven't seen it, SEE IT. It is AMAZING. It tells the true story of Alice Paul and her fight in the Womens Suffrage Movement in the 1910's. Alice Paul is played by Hilary Swank (AMAZING) AND Patrick Dempsey is in it--how can you go wrong? ;)

Anywho. This was not the first time I've seen this movie, but it was the first time I really connected with it. Alice Paul was pretty much an amazing woman, and she is my new hero. When I think about what those women were fighting for (fundamentally about civil liberties, not solely the specific right for women to vote), I can't help but pair it for the movement in the LGBT community right now to ensure some pretty basic human rights. This is haunting me, specifically recently, because my dearest friend and cousin Azure Peters (Smith) and her husband Ben are fighting with the city legislature of Cedar City, UT to (and please excuse me if this is not completely detailed correctly, its really a general overview) add a clause protecting the LGBT community from discrimination in the work place and in housing due to one's sexual orientations and preferences. While yes, to answer Ben, the City Council didn't give them an outright "No," more like a "not yet," this reminds me of the Women's Suffrage movement. The MEN making the legislature were telling Alice Paul and the NAWSA (Nat'l American Women's Suffrage Assocation) to hold off and be patient. They had a few states, right? Wasn't that enough? Eventually, it would happen, right? WRONG. While Carrie Chapman Catt (president of NAWSA at the time) felt like she needed to back down to remain in good political standing, Alice Paul decided that she would NOT take this lying down; if she were to back down now, it would be sending a message to her fellow women that this was okay, and that her cause was not important enough to keep fighting the opposition.

Similarly the STRAIGHT politicians are telling the LGBT community to hold off and be patient; it will happen eventually. If the LGBT community is to back down saying, "Gay marriage is legal in SOME states, eventually it will be legal in all" and "we just need to wait until the public comes around," NOTHING WILL EVER BE DONE. If Alice Paul had not stepped on a few toes by peacefully picketed right in front of the White House (insulting the president and most men along the way), if she had not been imprisoned and force fed through tubes in her throat and nostrils, if she had merely back off and waited for it to happen, would women be afforded their basic right today? To the LGBT community: are you willing to wait for people to come around? are you willing to lie down and back away because they've appeased you with a "not yet"? Are you willing to take the chance that you might never be afforded these basic rights?

How is this movement any different from the Women's Suffrage Movement? It was unconstitutional to deny the right to vote to any U.S. Citizen, so why was it denied to women for so long? It doesn't seem strange to us, now, that women have the right to vote, right? We all see that as a civil liberty, and yet so many people are willing to throw themselves behind the push to deny the right of the pursuit of happiness to the LGBT community.

Give me ONE solid argument for why the LGBT community should be denied the right to be protected under their government against discrimination. Give me ONE solid argument why they should be denied the right to be married to whomever they choose. If you can provide ONE argument that I cannot make a rebuttal for, I will concede and retreat in defeat. (Don't even THINK of playing the religion card, because isn't it constitutionally upheld that we separate church and state?)

Go ahead, try; I dare you.

Until then, I'm not giving up the fight. I'm not rolling over and letting them win. If the government can take these rights from them, what is stopping them from taking MY civil liberties away from me merely because I am a woman, or Native American, or any other excuse. Where can the line be drawn?

I am not gay. I am not lesbian. I am not bisexual. I am not transexual. But I stand up for ALL citizens of the United States, not merely those in the majority or the "norm." I believe in freedom of expression. I believe love is more powerful than hate. And I believe in an America where ALL people are ensured the right to be happy.

Don't give up; this fight has only just begun.

DQ(I need two today) & WOW:

DQ 1: "I won't give anything away 'til we have it all. I can't" --Alice Paul

DQ 2: "You ask me to explain myself. I'm just wondering, what needs to be explained? It should be very clear. Look into your own heart--I swear to you, mine is no different. You want a place in trade and profession where you can earn your bread; so do I. You want the means of self-expression; so do I. You want to satisfy your own personal ambitions; so do I. You want a voice in the government in which you live; so do I. So what is there to explain?" --Alice Paul

WOW: When they start getting defensive, you know you've done something right.

Definitely, maybe,

Erika

Welcome Back to the Land of the Living

Okay.

So I know it's been over a month.

But this month has been CRAZY.

School, Shakespeare, work, school, Shakespeare, work, etc., etc., etc.

School--not much to update.

Shakespeare--I know I don't HAVE to help, but Andy asked so nicely, and I really do love Shakespeare a lot :)

Work--I quit Red Mountain Spa! And it's about time. Whew! I got hired over at the Writing Center at the college as a writing tutor, so that's pretty fun. It's a great job for me.

Mainly what I want to talk about today is family.

What does family mean to you?

Is someone family just because they share a blood line with you?

Because they share a father or mother, maybe both?

What constitutes family?

You can take this, or you can leave this. You can stop reading now, for all I care. You are welcome to shut your laptop, exit the window, or sign off right this minute if you are worried about me disagreeing with you, or hurting your feelings. Welcome to reality. You are also welcome to continue reading if you feel so inclined; it doesn't matter either way for me.

Family does not mean that I will allow my life to be controlled and dictated by someone else's beliefs and desires solely because we share a father. Family does not mean that I will excuse rude, selfish, and other undesirable behavior easily. Just because you are my "family" does not mean that you can treat me like shit and expect me to roll over and take it. You earn your presence in my family; You have to earn my respect, love, and support. And don't think that forgiveness comes easily, because for me, it doesn't. I'm very good at holding grudges. I am very good with serving just desserts. You get what you ask for. And in this case, you have asked for me to turn my back on you and deny your existence in my life. In this case, you have begged me to rip you from the ranks of my familial ties. In this case you have influenced me to disown you. This is all on you, remember that next time you are quick to judge, assume, speak, or behave. Remember that the next time you indicate that all we have done for you means nothing to you and we aren't your "true family". Remember that when you need something from us and we aren't so willing to give unconditionally. Always remember that your behavior has harsh repercussions, sometimes not eligible for undoing. Always remember who you step on to get to the top--when you fall, those people aren't going to be there to catch you. Remember that when you fail.

I am done being associated with people who are the constant source of negativity in my lives. God only knows I have enough negativity due to my theories on life; I don't need the added darkness. I am finished being associated with people who not only have done nothing to deserve my love and devotion, but have done significant damage to the already weak relationship that existed. I am not an unconditional lover, and in this case, I have ceased loving.

Remember that.

WOW & DQ:

1. Rethink what "loyalty" means to you.

2. "Everybody, sooner or later, sits down to a banquet of consequences." --Robert Louis Stevenson

Definitely, maybe,

Erika