New Blog

Don't worry, I'm keeping this one two.

Buuuut..

"Dear Friend" is something that I've been doing for a very long time. They are messages to a very special friend, and they are very personal. That would be my only caution: these letters are from the deepest recesses of my heart and mind. You might be disturbed by what I say, think, and feel. But they are my words, thoughts, and feelings, and you certainly don't have to read them. So read, enjoy, and learn, but if you have a problem with something I say, don't come crying to me.

Don't say I didn't warn you.



http://dearfriendareyououtthere.blogspot.com

Welcome to my heart.

Not Fair.

I've decided that I'm not really fair to myself.

I hold myself to a higher standard than I hold other people to, and it is self-destructive. People always say that about themselves--that they are too hard on themselves and they should lighten up--but I really, honest-to-god, mean it.

Why do I close my heart to the world?

I just talked with Selena about this. She is very similar to me in many ways. The difference? She hasn't learned to accept her fate. She hasn't grown complacent with loneliness like I have. She closes herself off but then expects the world to love and accept her. I would say she is in a safe place. For me? I have grown accustomed to loneliness. It isn't a factor of life for me anymore; it's a way of life.

I purposefully avoid meeting new people.

When I see people I already know in public, I tend to avoid them so I don't have to stop and talk. And if they happen to see and stop me, I grow very uncomfortable.

My best friend got up and walked straight out of my life, and I didn't do a damn thing to stop her. And I still don't feel anything about it. -----> I just don't care.

People ask: "how can you just not care?"

Answer: "I don't know, I just manage it, somehow."

Does this seem cold? Apathetic? Plain? Cruel? All of these things, I have heard before. But none of them are true. You'll get to know me and find out I'm am one of the kindest, selfless, most caring people that exist in this world; I just have a funny way of showing it.

So back to my main point: how can I incorporate that into the way the world views me?

I guess I just expect people to treat me the way they always have, so it is easier to just assume they'll walk out as Camille did. That way, when they do, the situations lack surprise and disappointment.

See how I do that? I hold myself to a different standard. I assume that I am different from the world: Erika vs. World style. But that isn't true... not in the slightest.

I deserve to be happy. I deserve to find passion, romance, friendship, sisterhood, camaraderie. I should allow myself to open my heart to the world in order to find those things.

The real question at hand: Can I?

Stay tuned, and you might just find out.

DQ & WOW:

1. "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." --Gone with the Wind

2. Choose who you want to be, accept who your are, and begin building your life upon that foundation. But most importantly? Take your own advice.

Definitely, maybe,

Erika

P.S. Sorry it's take so long, won't happen again! :)

A Piece of My Mind

Hey y'all,

Sorry it's been so looooooong. :/

Buuuuuuuuuuut....

I have just a few things on my mind tonight.

Here goes nothin'

1. Ambition vs. Mediocrity

Hmmmmmm. I am perplexed by something, and maybe y'all can give me some insight. Lately, when I tell literally ANYONE that I am planning on going to Law School, the first thing out of their mouth is something to the effect of, "Wow, good for you! That is ambitious!"

Is it? Really? Isn't it just like getting any Graduate Degree? And for that matter, why is going to Grad School "ambitious"? I have spent my entire youth knowing that I wouldn't just get a four-year degree; I would get as far as I could--maybe even getting multiple degrees. Never once in my life did I think I could be content with one four-year degree.

Am I ambitious? Above-average? Better? NO. I have just had it instilled in me from a young age that I can DO anything and BE anyone and GO anywhere. The limit to how great I can become comes only from me. My parents both have graduate degrees in very ambitious fields, and both are professor at a college. My mom has recently decided that instead of getting her doctorate in nursing, she is going to go to Law School with me. My sister has also just decided that after obtaining her degree in city-planning she is also going to law school. My dad has tackled opening his own engineering and architecture firm and has survived in this rotten economy only to decide to further his entrepreneurial tendencies and open up a gun store and shooting range. Does ANY of this seem ambitious to me? NO. I am proud to call these people my family, but I am not shocked, or surprised that they would reach this far.

I assumed the world was like me and my family, but I was wrong. I don't feel as if I am overly ambitious, or smarter than anyone. How could I be? So is the rest of the world mediocre? Or more accurately comfortable with mediocrity?

If this is true, I'm pissed.

2. Love in the Making?

Okay, so here goes nothing. You will probably never here me admit to this in person, or ever reference it again, but I must get something off my chest:

I sometimes desire human companionship.

There are moments in my life where I wish that I had someone; where I wish that relationships were easier for me. For some people, it comes naturally. Now, I'm not saying that ANY relationship is easy, I'm just stating that for some people (namely people persons) do well with other people. It is easier for them to socially network and meet new people. It is easy for them to open up their soul to others.

But for me it is nigh impossible. I have a very difficult time relying on people, even my friends and family. I have a difficult time talking about my feelings (or even sometimes admitting that I HAVE feelings). I don't see the world the way a lot of people do. And that makes it difficult to understand other people's ways of dealing with things.

Another thing: Marriage has not been and still isn't a priority for me. I will do just fine if I don't get married, AND I'll be happy to boot. People always tell me that though I say I don't want to get married, I really do. THAT IS FALSE. I have no burning desire to be married. Now, that doesn't mean that I WON'T get married or refuse to, it just means that I'm not out looking for that and I won't be disappointed when it doesn't happen. But that doesn't mean that I don't want to know that someone out there cares about me.

That's why I'm content where I am right now. I have someone who treats me like I'm unique, beautiful, intelligent, and special. I have someone who will take care of me. He opens doors for me, buys me dinner, wraps his arms around me, smiles at me when he thinks I'm not looking, and genuinely cares about me. But we're not "together." Isn't that okay, for now? Isn't it okay to just enjoy each other's company and take care of what relationship we DO have, instead of just wish we had something else or more? If I continue to keep it here, will I lose him? Because I really don't want to. But on the other hand, do I think I can love him? I don't know that I'm even capable of love anymore...

3. Friendship: What it Means to Me

Friendship is:

• Going to Zumba and dying of lack of oxygen together
• Peeing behind dumpsters while on walks together
• Laughing for no reason, and not being able to stop. Then having the professor yell at you because we SHOULD be working
• Going for a walk around campus at 11 o'clock at night and dancing by the fountain
• pretending to be lesbians at Chili's
• Sneaking food into the movie theater together
• Going for walks at 3 o'clock in the morning to walk off your drunkenness
• Disagreeing and arguing, but in the end still loving each other
• Telling each other EXACTLY what we think about things
• Not being afraid to voice one's opinion
• Buying each other lunch
• Making jokes about twilight together
• Watching MERLIN together
• Watching your friend die and be brought back to life by some God (not literally?)
• Having sleepovers and ACTUALLY SLEEPING
• Peeing your pants in the kitchen because you can't make it to the bathroom
• Having a scrunchie rule
• Lending a helping hand, even when it's inconvenient
• Tie-dying T-shirts the first time you hang out with a person
• Staying up all night discussing the mysteries of the universe
• Waking someone up from "seizures" in the hallway
• Crying because they're leaving
• Visiting far away friends not because you want to, but because you can't live without them.
• Recording "Defying Gravity" for a former teacher on a lunch break
• Enduring through the hard times while remembering the good ones
• Keeping promises

Ugh, I'm disappointed with people. As I reflect on the good times that I've had I realize that I have some pretty amazing friends. But VERY FEW. Mostly, I have really crappy "friends" that aren't really friends.

5. ZUMBA

All I have to say is... I WENT TO ZUMBA TONIGHT and my body hurts suuuuuuper bad. But it was SO fun (as usual) and I want to keep going! So thank you to Selena for coming with me and sharing that experience with me!

Whew.. glad I got all that off my chest. Thanks for reading? I feel better...

WOW & DQ:

1. Don't be afraid of your potential.

2. "The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark." - Michelangelo

Catch ya on the flip side,

Definitely, maybe,

Erika

Ready, Set, .....Go?

Every part of my entire being is telling me to stop--red flagging me... except for my heart. My head is saying, "he's done this before, he'll do it again" and, "this can only end in more heartache and confusion." But here I find myself back in the same position. Why does this have to happen to me? Why can't I just be left alone? Or at least be able to make sound, healthy decisions for myself.

What do I do when my heart and my head are not in correspondence?

How can I make them work together in tandem?

Why does he play with my heart?

Why do I let him?

This isn't going to work. And next time I find myself in that same position, I will grab his arm, politely give it back to him and tell him, "put that around someone who can be fooled, because I won't be."

Time and time again

I sit, faltering in what I know

to be safe. My haven disappears,

and I pass into a state of confusion.

Lost inside a new world of angst.

Hold fast to what I know,

to make it out of this maze alive.

How can I trust you to keep me safe?

Hold my hand?

Put your arm around me?

Intertwine your fingers with mine,

wrapping our legs into a tangled mess.

A mess of breathing,

in, out, in out

Our heartbeats so close,

beating together.

Time winds down,

I have emerged unscathed.

Will I be as safe

if this happens again?

I have no words of wisdom right now. But here's a quote:

--"Suspense is worse than disappointment." --Robert Burns

Definitely, maybe,

Erika

Psychedelic?

MY HAIR IS PURPLE!

It feels really good to have done something that I've been talking about doing for a long time. I finally made part of my bangs purple. :) I got the okay at work a few days ago and made the appointment for this morning! Megan didn't actually do it, but she was hanging around chit chatting until her appointment got there, so at least I wasn't alone. The girl who did my hair (Brooke) was so sweet and really friendly.

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT :)

The end,

WOW & DQ:

1. Whatever you say, stick to it!

2. "Be the change you wish to see in the world." -Gandhi

Definitely, maybe,

Erika

UPDATE::

I guess I just feel overwhelmed. Yesterday, I had a major breakdown (just ask my mom :/). I know that I am strong enough to get through this summer, but sometimes it doesn't feel like it. I have NO time for myself. NO time to do anything that I love. NO time to see the people I love. And absolutely NO time to read or write. I miss my life. I miss what I had. I miss the people I surrounded myself with. And now, I have next to no one.. I don't know; I don't mean this to sound pessimistic or upset, whiny or obnoxious, but I promised myself I'd be really honest on here.

Today, I had a major breakthrough: I'm not ready to get married, nor do I even want to, but that doesn't mean that I don't want people to take me seriously when they date me. I don't want to get married and start popping babies out, but I DO want human interaction. I want to be wooed. I want to feel butterflies in my stomach. I want to blush because I'm nervous and embarrassed. I want the warmth of someones touch, and the security of reliance. I want a best friend that I can tell anything to. I want awkwardness to be endearing. I want happiness. And I feel like I did have that. An I'm not going to name names, but at one point in my life, I had that. And now, I'm screwed up--jaded. Because of that, I don't meet new people. I don't talk to people. I avoid contact with people--especially of the male, unmarried persuasion. I am afraid of what meeting new people means.

I'd like to say moving would solve all of my problems. But I know it won't. I know that I am supposed to be right here right now. I'd like to blame all of my problems on Utah, but I can't. No one can change my circumstances but me. And I'm stuck; I can't figure out how. Life, for me, has become this infinite cycle of confusion and contradiction.

Will someone just come and be my best friend?

WOW & DQ:

1. Don't settle for anything; fight for what you want and love.

2. "If you don't like your fate, change it; you are your own master, there are no shackles on you!" -Aida

Definitely, maybe,

Erika

P.S. I'm dying my hair purple tomorrow :)