A Piece of My Mind

Hey y'all,

Sorry it's been so looooooong. :/

Buuuuuuuuuuut....

I have just a few things on my mind tonight.

Here goes nothin'

1. Ambition vs. Mediocrity

Hmmmmmm. I am perplexed by something, and maybe y'all can give me some insight. Lately, when I tell literally ANYONE that I am planning on going to Law School, the first thing out of their mouth is something to the effect of, "Wow, good for you! That is ambitious!"

Is it? Really? Isn't it just like getting any Graduate Degree? And for that matter, why is going to Grad School "ambitious"? I have spent my entire youth knowing that I wouldn't just get a four-year degree; I would get as far as I could--maybe even getting multiple degrees. Never once in my life did I think I could be content with one four-year degree.

Am I ambitious? Above-average? Better? NO. I have just had it instilled in me from a young age that I can DO anything and BE anyone and GO anywhere. The limit to how great I can become comes only from me. My parents both have graduate degrees in very ambitious fields, and both are professor at a college. My mom has recently decided that instead of getting her doctorate in nursing, she is going to go to Law School with me. My sister has also just decided that after obtaining her degree in city-planning she is also going to law school. My dad has tackled opening his own engineering and architecture firm and has survived in this rotten economy only to decide to further his entrepreneurial tendencies and open up a gun store and shooting range. Does ANY of this seem ambitious to me? NO. I am proud to call these people my family, but I am not shocked, or surprised that they would reach this far.

I assumed the world was like me and my family, but I was wrong. I don't feel as if I am overly ambitious, or smarter than anyone. How could I be? So is the rest of the world mediocre? Or more accurately comfortable with mediocrity?

If this is true, I'm pissed.

2. Love in the Making?

Okay, so here goes nothing. You will probably never here me admit to this in person, or ever reference it again, but I must get something off my chest:

I sometimes desire human companionship.

There are moments in my life where I wish that I had someone; where I wish that relationships were easier for me. For some people, it comes naturally. Now, I'm not saying that ANY relationship is easy, I'm just stating that for some people (namely people persons) do well with other people. It is easier for them to socially network and meet new people. It is easy for them to open up their soul to others.

But for me it is nigh impossible. I have a very difficult time relying on people, even my friends and family. I have a difficult time talking about my feelings (or even sometimes admitting that I HAVE feelings). I don't see the world the way a lot of people do. And that makes it difficult to understand other people's ways of dealing with things.

Another thing: Marriage has not been and still isn't a priority for me. I will do just fine if I don't get married, AND I'll be happy to boot. People always tell me that though I say I don't want to get married, I really do. THAT IS FALSE. I have no burning desire to be married. Now, that doesn't mean that I WON'T get married or refuse to, it just means that I'm not out looking for that and I won't be disappointed when it doesn't happen. But that doesn't mean that I don't want to know that someone out there cares about me.

That's why I'm content where I am right now. I have someone who treats me like I'm unique, beautiful, intelligent, and special. I have someone who will take care of me. He opens doors for me, buys me dinner, wraps his arms around me, smiles at me when he thinks I'm not looking, and genuinely cares about me. But we're not "together." Isn't that okay, for now? Isn't it okay to just enjoy each other's company and take care of what relationship we DO have, instead of just wish we had something else or more? If I continue to keep it here, will I lose him? Because I really don't want to. But on the other hand, do I think I can love him? I don't know that I'm even capable of love anymore...

3. Friendship: What it Means to Me

Friendship is:

• Going to Zumba and dying of lack of oxygen together
• Peeing behind dumpsters while on walks together
• Laughing for no reason, and not being able to stop. Then having the professor yell at you because we SHOULD be working
• Going for a walk around campus at 11 o'clock at night and dancing by the fountain
• pretending to be lesbians at Chili's
• Sneaking food into the movie theater together
• Going for walks at 3 o'clock in the morning to walk off your drunkenness
• Disagreeing and arguing, but in the end still loving each other
• Telling each other EXACTLY what we think about things
• Not being afraid to voice one's opinion
• Buying each other lunch
• Making jokes about twilight together
• Watching MERLIN together
• Watching your friend die and be brought back to life by some God (not literally?)
• Having sleepovers and ACTUALLY SLEEPING
• Peeing your pants in the kitchen because you can't make it to the bathroom
• Having a scrunchie rule
• Lending a helping hand, even when it's inconvenient
• Tie-dying T-shirts the first time you hang out with a person
• Staying up all night discussing the mysteries of the universe
• Waking someone up from "seizures" in the hallway
• Crying because they're leaving
• Visiting far away friends not because you want to, but because you can't live without them.
• Recording "Defying Gravity" for a former teacher on a lunch break
• Enduring through the hard times while remembering the good ones
• Keeping promises

Ugh, I'm disappointed with people. As I reflect on the good times that I've had I realize that I have some pretty amazing friends. But VERY FEW. Mostly, I have really crappy "friends" that aren't really friends.

5. ZUMBA

All I have to say is... I WENT TO ZUMBA TONIGHT and my body hurts suuuuuuper bad. But it was SO fun (as usual) and I want to keep going! So thank you to Selena for coming with me and sharing that experience with me!

Whew.. glad I got all that off my chest. Thanks for reading? I feel better...

WOW & DQ:

1. Don't be afraid of your potential.

2. "The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark." - Michelangelo

Catch ya on the flip side,

Definitely, maybe,

Erika