Not Fair.

I've decided that I'm not really fair to myself.

I hold myself to a higher standard than I hold other people to, and it is self-destructive. People always say that about themselves--that they are too hard on themselves and they should lighten up--but I really, honest-to-god, mean it.

Why do I close my heart to the world?

I just talked with Selena about this. She is very similar to me in many ways. The difference? She hasn't learned to accept her fate. She hasn't grown complacent with loneliness like I have. She closes herself off but then expects the world to love and accept her. I would say she is in a safe place. For me? I have grown accustomed to loneliness. It isn't a factor of life for me anymore; it's a way of life.

I purposefully avoid meeting new people.

When I see people I already know in public, I tend to avoid them so I don't have to stop and talk. And if they happen to see and stop me, I grow very uncomfortable.

My best friend got up and walked straight out of my life, and I didn't do a damn thing to stop her. And I still don't feel anything about it. -----> I just don't care.

People ask: "how can you just not care?"

Answer: "I don't know, I just manage it, somehow."

Does this seem cold? Apathetic? Plain? Cruel? All of these things, I have heard before. But none of them are true. You'll get to know me and find out I'm am one of the kindest, selfless, most caring people that exist in this world; I just have a funny way of showing it.

So back to my main point: how can I incorporate that into the way the world views me?

I guess I just expect people to treat me the way they always have, so it is easier to just assume they'll walk out as Camille did. That way, when they do, the situations lack surprise and disappointment.

See how I do that? I hold myself to a different standard. I assume that I am different from the world: Erika vs. World style. But that isn't true... not in the slightest.

I deserve to be happy. I deserve to find passion, romance, friendship, sisterhood, camaraderie. I should allow myself to open my heart to the world in order to find those things.

The real question at hand: Can I?

Stay tuned, and you might just find out.

DQ & WOW:

1. "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." --Gone with the Wind

2. Choose who you want to be, accept who your are, and begin building your life upon that foundation. But most importantly? Take your own advice.

Definitely, maybe,

Erika

P.S. Sorry it's take so long, won't happen again! :)